I thought that going back to work after being on maternity leave for so long was going to be the hardest thing. Now, I feel a little guilty to admit that I didn’t even cry. I mean I cried by the end of the week (because I missed a lot and it was a lot of re-learning my job)+, but on the actual first day of going back to work and the first day of dropping my newest little guy at his sitters…..nothing, not one drop. I feel like I should be tore up about this, like I should feel like a bad mom for being refreshed and excited to get out of the house.
But I don’t feel bad.
Four months. That is how long I had been off of work and home with my newborn baby and my overly energetic four year old. Because it is the time of COVID I couldn’t even use our Children’s Museum pass to get my son out of the house and to a place where he could expend all his energy. And I felt terrible because I was so tired, and this sweet boy just wanted me to read and play games with him all day, and I only had enough extra energy to give him ten minutes here or five minutes there. But I kept trying. And I still was told that me and The Hubs loved the new baby more, we didn’t love him, we never play with him, yadda, yadda, yadda. It broke my heart. I know he knows better but still, it made me sad to think my big guy might be feeling left out because I was killing myself to try and make sure he didn’t feel that way. So you can imagine the relief when I finally had to wake up and put on adult clothes and go to a space where there are other adults just pleasantly working at their desks. Nobody pulling on my clothes and stretching them out. Nobody narrating the TV. Nobody yelling at me “the baby is crying give him the titty mom!” It was like going on vacation instead of coming back from one basically.
Don’t get me wrong, I love that I had four straight months to bond with my newest son, I’m grateful I got to spend some extra time with my Swamp Monster because he is growing and maturing way to fast, I am grateful that Washington paid for three months of my maternity leave, grateful I got to take a fourth month off and not stress because we had enough money saved in the bank, grateful that my work protected my time off so I had a job to come back to. And the list goes on and on.
I am stupidly grateful.
But I am ready to be my own person again. I am ready to start the process of my children’s independence (again for the big one). I love going to work and coming home to a quiet sleeping house, because the next morning I get to hear all about their days and how much they missed me.
Going back to work for me could have been an out of hand disaster, but once I was on the road heading to town, I felt excited and giddy.
And that’s okay.
Very interesting details you have noted, appreciate it for putting up.